An Open Letter to the Saw Movie Franchise

Dear Saw,

Wowie zowie! You were a great horror movie! I mean the blood and gore was brutal yet the story was surprisingly deep. Not to mention the amazing twist at the end! Don’t worry, I won’t spoil anything, just in case you haven’t seen yourself yet, Saw. You weren’t just another slasher flick. Your bad guy, The Jigsaw Killer, was teaching us all to appreciate life by making us face death. What an amazing twist on the classic horror film. When I first watched you in 2004 I’d never seen anything like you before! Thank you, Saw. Thank you so much for being you.

Your pal,
Kevin


Dear Saw II,

Okay. Not bad. Pretty good. I liked the whole “murder house” thing, that was cool. You really humanized the Jigsaw Killer too…by really focusing on his cancer. Kind of a downer, not exactly what I was looking to watch on Saw-lloween night but alright, I’m not complaining. Remember how that girl from 7th Heaven was in you? No, not Jessica Biel, the girl who played Lucy. Sure, I could have looked up her name but I didn’t. That’s just a choice I made for this letter.

Keep in touch,
Kevin


Dear Saw III,

As a comedian I appreciate the rule of threes. As a Saw fan…yeah we get it. There’s traps. And a twist ending. Well here’s a twist ending for you. You were a disappointment!

Best wishes,
Kevin


Dear Saw IV,

I gotta be honest, I stopped watching these movies after Saw III. It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t like bad movies. You’re not the worst Saw, but you weren’t good. You’ve really lost your way Saw IV, why can’t you be more like Saw I?

Kind Regards,
Kevin


Dear Saw V,

You didn’t make much money compared to the other Saw films. I think the reason is because people forgot that Saw movies were a thing. Well, at least we can all relax since this is the last Saw movie they ever made.

Love,
Kevin


Dear Saw VI,

Wait seriously? There’s this many Saw movies? Why do we need this many Saw movies?! Who are you making these movies for? Have you even seen Saw VI? Of course not, and that’s pathetic because you are Saw VI!

Keep on trucking.

Regards,
Kevin


Dear Saw 3D,

Okay, you’re just messing with me now, right? A 3D Saw movie? Great. It’s like the unnecessary sequel is coming right at you. They made this thing in 2010. Why were we still making Saw movies in 2010. I graduated college in 2010 and there were no jobs! Do you know what that means? In 2010, America had more Saw movies than jobs!

Talk to you later,
Kevin

P.S. — On February 2, 2016 they announced that they will be making an 8th Saw movie. Perfect! That’s one Saw movie for each of the 7 Wonders of the World. The 8th wonder is wondering why they keep making Saw movies.


Kevin Froleiks is a New York based comedian. Follow him on twitter or check out his website to find out where he’s performing next. His comedy album, Jokes I Don’t Really Do Anymore, is available for free on his website as well. You can also check out his podcast, We Wrote A Musical, on iTunes.